oh, the places they'll go... their food, that is.

You haven't really lived until you've cleaned out under the couch in a home where toddlers reside.

I mean, really. You'll find things you had forgotten were even missing. Some even unidentifiable. If you have the right sense of humor, it's pretty amusing.

Today, while vacuuming, I decided to go pro and clean under the furniture, instead of going around it as I usually do (come on, when you have to vacuum almost daily, you can't tell me honestly that you move the furniture every time). The Boy followed me around excitedly, as he always does, since I inevitably find lost toys just out of reach of his chubby toddler arms. As he occupied himself with a McDonald's toy from who-knows-when, I quickly moved the ottoman to tackle the mess that I knew would be underneath.

Oh. My. God.

Veggie sticks. Blueberries. Cheerios. Bread crusts. Half-eaten chicken nuggets. It was almost as if someone was PURPOSELY storing food under there for later...

Just as the thought was crossing my mind, The Boy was crawling between my legs and making a mad grab at the discarded food. He had both fists locked tightly around various bits of nasty before I could stop him. I THINK I managed to get it all away from him... I hope... 

I wish I could say that was the only time I'd ever found old food lying around. 

A few days ago, The Boy and I got into a knock-down drag-out fight over a bowl of moldy raspberries he had apparently hidden somewhere on the bookshelf. 

I do clean; I really do.

That wasn't the first time he'd hoarded food, either. Shortly after The Boy became mobilized, I caught him munching on a grilled cheese sandwich that he'd pulled out of the toy box. I don't make grilled cheese very often. Ew?

Honestly, most of what I find is harmless: a pretzel rod, a piece of a cracker, dry cereal, etc. And the places I find these things are fairly predictable: between couch cushions, under the recliner, and in front of the entertainment center. However, after being a mom for almost four years, I am occasionally still surprised (though at this point you'd think I wouldn't be). 

Last week I picked up a new toy for The Boy: the Cookie Monster Come to Play Kitchen Cafe. It's a compact make-believe kitchen, complete with stove and oven, that came with plastic "food" to feed Elmo and Abby ($30 on clearance at Target; 3 stars for good price, having an on/off switch, fair construction, easy assembly, but being too small for more than one child at a time). It immediately became his favorite toy. I've gotten a lot more reading done since I put it together for him! The best part is that he's willing to clean it up himself by putting all the toy foods, pan, and spatula into the oven for storage. Sweet. 

Until it wasn't.

This morning, while cleaning, I came across a few pieces of plastic food under the couch. As the boy was still occupied with his re-discovered Happy Meal toy, I took the foods to his play kitchen myself. When I opened the oven door to put them away, I almost threw up. 

Food. REAL food. Based on the variety, I'd say he'd been saving bits of each of his meals since the day I gave him the kitchen. At some point, he'd even filled the sauce pan with something that probably used to be chocolate milk. I guess he decided that Elmo and Abby needed a more balanced diet. To be fair, the set came with mostly junk food: a slice of pizza, a cookie, an ice cream cone... Maybe I should be proud of him for trying to introduce them to healthier food options. After all, his favorite snacks are blueberries and bell peppers, and we have been encouraging him to share...

Let's go with that.

whatsa papsy mear?

I think it's time to confess to you all that I have a super power. Yes, it's true... I have the power to get my kids' attention whenever I want it, no matter how many veggie straws they have crammed into their mouths, or how enraptured they may be in Blue's Clues. It's really quite simple, really, and most mommies (and daddies) that I know also possess this power. All we need to do to get their undivided attention is suddenly become busy with something else.

Try it out. Wait until your kids are halfway through their favorite tv show, mouths hanging slightly open, eyes glazed over. Then take out a pen and a pad of paper. Start making a list. It can be anything really, but the more important, the better. It can be ingredients for the cookies your grandma used to make you, or things you need to get done before the winter weather kicks in. As long as it requires you to be able to THINK, then it'll work. Within thirty seconds you will have at least one child trying to get you to draw them a picture with that pen, or needing to go potty NOW, or whatever else they can think of (time is of the essence, of course).

Unfortunately, this isn't something that can be controlled. For example, try scheduling a pap smear with a three year old in the room. If you've ever thought your kids didn't care about what's going on in your life, this will prove you wrong. Between answering questions from the nurse and fumbling around in your purse for your insurance card, you will also be required to answer the following questions: whoya talkin to? are they commin to play? do I get to go along? whatsa papsy mear? is it lunchtime yet? whoya talkin to? etc.

Another powerful tool to ensure 100% of your child's attention is a closed door. How many topics of conversation can your toddler get through while you pee? or try to shave your legs? Putting a barrier between yourself and your child guarantees they will become a chatterbox, at least for that period of time, and especially if there's another noise involved that requires everyone to speak more loudly (the shower running, or a hair dryer). The harder it is for you to hear each other, the more urgently they will need to speak with you about the Lego that's stuck under the couch or what they really REALLY want to go get at the toy store.

OK, so maybe it isn't a super power.

Any guesses how long it took me to write this blog, and how many children were involved?

Wrong. The boy is napping.

refocusing

When I started this blog, I didn't have a very clear idea of a THEME... I just knew that I wanted to start writing again, and if I could make people laugh occasionally in the process, then that'd be an added bonus. Being a parent, you do have to learn pretty quickly to find the funny in everyday situations, or you're bound to lose your beans before too long.

Without going into too many personal details, let's just say I had a bit of a breakdown this week. It had been coming on for quite some time and I wasn't surprised, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Luckily, the man is amazing enough that he went in to work late the other day so I could drag my sappy ass into the clinic, head bowed in shame, and admit that I should have been seeing my therapist on a regular basis... and hadn't been.

The great thing about people who deal with mental health is they are INCREDIBLE at making you feel better. Like immediately. The tone of their voices, the words that they choose, the pictures on their office walls... they're trained well. That's gotta be part of why they are so expensive. And in this case, the lady I spoke with gave me a bit of inspiration for my page that I had been lacking. It came in the form of a homework assignment: keep a log of what you do WELL, and what you do NOT WELL (grammarfail on purpose; in therapy, we don't do things BADLY; there are simply things we could do better). Specifically I'm supposed to pay close attention to things I do FOR MYSELF-- you know, when I'm not cleaning up boy barf, prepping endless snacks for the girl, or trying to get the man's dress shirts out of the dryer before they need to be ironed.

It's actually sad how much I had to think about it. What do I do for myself? And this doesn't include stuff like brushing my teeth or getting my legs shaved, although it should, because these things are frequently pushed to the back burner while dealing with a toddler meltdown or an exploding poopy diaper. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can't be the only one in this situation. It's part of being a mom. Priorities don't just change; they are REPLACED. And these days, society puts more and more stress on us parents (not just moms) to be perfect, and have perfect children, and perfect homes, and somehow do it all without having any time to make sure we take care of ourselves. Makes me wish I'd been born into a higher class a century or so ago when maids commonly did all that for us... at least a little bit (who am I kidding? I'd have been the maid. Poor kids). No wonder it's so hard to get a quick appointment with a therapist... they're REALLY busy!

So I have a new focus here. Yes, I'll still be trying to keep it light and full of giggles. Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine, after all. But I want to, as much as possible, hone in on things that are important for our health. That could be mental, emotional, physical, whatever. Things that involve us taking care of ourselves, even if it means letting the kids eat Easy Mac for dinner an extra night every week. I will still be giving my (unsolicited) opinion on products I've tried (does having your nails freshly painted make you feel just a LITTLE bit sexier?) or foods I've forced my family to eat and review with me (is there a meat-free burger out there that your kids will actually eat, and you will feel good about?). I'll try to add in things like date night ideas, new workouts I hear about, and movies you may want to take the time out to watch. Oh, and I'm taking suggestions too.

For me, the first step in taking time out for myself will be spending more time on this blog. I may talk about my kids a lot, but this has always been for me. That's why it doesn't get much attention. It seems like, whenever an opportunity presents itself for computer use, there's something "more important" that needs to be done: laundry, dishes, making sure I'm wearing fresh underwear, whatever. Right now there's a load of laundry waiting for me in the garage, and I know it will get done, as soon as I get this post published. I'm not used to it yet, but maybe I should be... doing things FOR ME should be as much a part of my daily life as goldfish crackers and Sesame Street. Hopefully it won't take too long for it to become routine.

i highly recommend...

I'm not exactly the only one doing the "blog thing". Here are some others that I follow pretty closely*.

Mommy Gone Mental: "Chances are, you’ve ‘stumbled’ upon this blog because I sent you a direct link and some form of blackmail to entice you to read on. In that case, no introductions are necessary. If, however, you found this on your own, you should know that I am sarcastic, crass, slightly ADD, 100% out of my mind, and mommy to the world’s most amazing little boy (Piggle).

I’ve been told by countless people that I should be keeping a daily record of my son’s life. Apparently, I should have started while pregnant. Guess I’m a bit behind, but I’m sure it won’t take long to catch up…"

Mad Mom Diaries: "So, you want to know what it’s like to be bat shit crazy. Or perhaps, since you’ve already stumbled on this page, you’ve already sipped the kool aid and fallen ass over head into a warm pile of toddler poo. Either way, I am certain that this blog will make you feel a whole hell of a lot better about yourself. After all, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you might as well piss your pants at someone else’s failures..."

Domesticated Blonde: "I’m in my 20s, recently married and a mother to a beautiful 1 year old boy, Logan.(born June 2nd 2011). I’m slowly learning how to cook, bake and make a beautiful home while also being a stay-at-home mom.

I’m opinionated, quick-witted, with almost no patience for those few people in the world that seem to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal, if you catch my drift.

I’m a mama bear at heart; I fiercely protect my family and friends.

I have my ditzy moments – more than I like to admit ..."

Nothing But Blue Sky: "my blog is covered in cobwebs, which i will slowly but surely try to clear away over the next several weeks. the blogging break was a good one, but i miss it and now that the summer is almost over, i feel a desire to get back into the groove of writing and recording little snippets of my life..."

My Tree of Wellness: "During my pregnancy I never smoked or drank and I ate everything I was supposed to aside from the occasional infamous prego cravings. When my son was born in January of 2011, being healthy became a predominant priority in my life. Little did I know that the journey of wellness I was about to embark would lead me to the state of mind I now live in today."



*updated whenever I see fit!

graphical archive

Here are some of the graphics I've been posting to my facebook page. I did not make any of these; if you see something that's yours (I'd be surprised considering how few people are likely to read this) please contact me and I will be more than happy to either remove or re-post with the proper credit.

Not sure where this place is or if it's even legit, but I choose to believe there is some good left in the world!

Sweeney Todd pre-k??

All I know is, I said YES to the drugs.

This isn't even funny. We are devolving.

I still fall for this every week.

a trip to the pit

About a year ago, our family started a tradition of meeting up with the man's sister and her husband every couple months. They only live one state away, but I'm either too scared or too stubborn to attempt an overnight stay with the kids (specifically the boy), and it's not fair to make them drive the whole way here each time. We ended up on Google Maps, searching for a halfway point between our two cities. What we came up with was El Centro. It's closer to us (I'm not complaining), near the California/Arizona border, and is a total pit. Really. If it wasn't so conveniently located, we would have NO reason whatsoever to go there. 

We try to line up our visits with events and holidays. Last month happened to be the man's 28th birthday, and last week was his sister's dog's birthday (9th, if I remember correctly). Since summer in our region extends far into November/December, doggy's presence made this trip a little more difficult than previous ones. We needed a place that wouldn't banish doggy to the care in the 100+ degree weather, that had enough room for the boy to romp around, AND that had enough menu diversity to keep the man and girl happy (the boy and I will eat anything...just check our jiggly tummies). Back to Google... what I came up with was a KFC that, according to the photo, had an outdoor patio with umbrellas. Now, driving 150 miles to eat at KFC is something I would ONLY do for family... just want to make that clear.

After two hours in the car and about a thousand dollars in gas (seriously, we need to start choosing our weekends based on projected gas prices), we made it to the pit. I had neglected to check local weather reports, and since this past weekend in San Diego was BEYOND gorgeous, my poor kids showed up in long pants and closed-toed shoes to battle 102 degrees of awful. This is at least half of why I refer to El Centro as "the pit"... I think it's as close to hell as you can get without smelling sulfur. But hey, we made it! Unfortunately, that patio with umbrellas was about ten by three feet... and the umbrellas were doing nothing against the brutal sun. We decided to pack up a small bag of food for the man and the girl, and head to another place we'd seen down the street.

Burgers & Beer had a covered patio facing a busy street, but it was COVERED, and beautifully shaded. Since the host on the phone told us doggy was welcome to join us on the patio, we didn't complain too much about driving around the building three times to find a parking spot (4pm seemed to be a busy time for this place). So for the second time in half an hour, we hauled the kids, the dog, and the birthday cake (pie) out of our vehicles, this time along with that small KFC bag. Once inside, we were immediately turned away by a server for having said KFC bag. No amount of begging, promising to spend a lot of money, or pleading our case to the manager would convince them to look the damn thing over. 

So here we are, 150 miles from home, marinating in our own sweat, with two hungry kids and a dog, all dying of heatstroke. The chicken is getting cold, the pie is getting warm, and my heart rate is reaching an all-time high. We decided to take a break (in their parking lot) to crank up our cars' AC, eat the damn KFC, and figure out what to do next. The man's sister remembered seeing an Applebees, so in desperation she called over there. By now, we know exactly what we need to ask: 1) do you have a pet-friendly patio? 2) is the damn thing well-shaded right now? 3) will you kick us to the curb for having a pie with us?? Finally, it seemed we found a place to relax.

The patio was big. It had a gate. It was 20 degrees cooler, easily. It was EMPTY save for us. And no one cared about the damn pie. The manager and server were stellar, the meal was actually pretty good (I'll be honest, Applebees isn't generally my first choice), and best of all we were actually able to sit, catch up, have a couple drinks, and enjoy each other's company. 

It may have taken a lot longer to get started than we had hoped for, but we all had a great visit. The man got his KFC, the doggy had a great time annihilating his new toys, the boy happily ran around the patio with his grilled cheese and sippy cup without bothering anyone. I guess the point of this is don't be afraid to ask too many questions! I thought I had done a decent job of planning in advance, but apparently the old saying is true: when you assume you make an ass out of you and me... and get yourself stranded in a pit.

MY NOSE ITCHES

I don't know why, but every time I see this picture I just about die laughing. Can you imagine??